The Most Important Gender Equality Debate
Toilet Seat Down Policing is Preventing Equality for All Genders
My wife gets upset when I miss the toilet.
She doesn’t understand it is not like I have a sniper rifle.
If anything, my stream comes out more like a water hose nozzle sprayer. Sometimes, the stream is strong, and I can use the jet setting. But most of the time, the setting is on the shower or, more likely, on soaker.
The solution: men should pee sitting down.
Fight that initial reaction that makes you say peeing sitting down is for women. Said who? It’s not like ,god invited toilets and then she gave us a pamphlet on how to properly use them.
One time, my wife caught me peeing down. I quickly shouted, “It’s not what you think! Let me explain!”
She said, “It looks like you are peeing sitting down.”
“No, yeah, that’s what it is.” I had no recourse than to fess up to my non-masculine act.
I like peeing sitting down. It’s so liberating. Why should women be the only ones enjoying a moment of respite from the world by scrolling through their Instagram feed and staying on the toilet seat for a few more seconds when they are done peeing?
It’s so arbitrary who gets to pee sitting down and who gets to pee standing up.
I asked my wife, “Why don’t YOU peed standing up?”
She said, “It would get everywhere.”
Umm, hello!?!
That’s probably why women live longer. They get a break from the world every time they pee. Meanwhile, men must engage their lower back muscles and worry about aiming, not splattering, and putting their seats down. And never ever satisfy women regarding that last requirement.
This debate is at the center of the hypocrisy of all of our gender policies and made-up rules.
So, let’s say we lost the debate about who gets to sit down. What about putting the toilet seat down debate?
Let’s face it: men always need coaching on that aspect. Even when we are doing well, we are never told what a good job we do of putting the seat down.
Uh-uh! We are only told about the toilet seat when leaving it up.
Nobody tells us, “Good job, buddy!” The dog gets a treat for not pooping in the middle of the living room, but nobody cares about men putting the seat down.
So, without proper or consistent behavioral reinforcement, we always slide back to our old habits of leaving the seat up.
This debate should be at the forefront of everyone’s fight for equality. Yes, we should stop paying women 82 cents on the dollar for the same job, and, in exchange, whoever gets to the toilet seat first gets to the toilet seat first.
Many relationships end over this, and they shouldn’t. Do not quote the data as I made it up. But I believe in it.
A friend of mine told me how he had a rule for his wife that in his bathroom, his toilet seat should always be up. That was impressive. What a man’s man. What unadulterated masculine power.
My wife would wait for me for hours to come back home to teach me a good lesson about putting the seat down — even if it meant putting her own urinary health at risk, by not peeing because it would mean putting the toilet seat down herself.
I would never even think of challenging that rule. I have grown to respect it like I obey a red light.
By the way, my friend is now divorced.
And my wife and I are going strong. Strict toilet seatdown rules in tow, but going strong.
It does beg the question, who created the rules about who gets to put the seat down? Think about it.
If you ask me, this is about control. All the blood-thirsty warriors of Westeros fought for control of the Iron Throne. But that’s only because they didn’t have the porcelain throne.
The porcelain throne and the control of who gets to dictate how it is used is the true litmus of power in a house… and society at large if you think about it.
There are three modalities in which a toilet seat can be: seat-up-cover-up, seat-down-cover-up, seat-down-cover-down. Women don’t get upset if the seat cover is down; they only get upset if the toilet seat is up, which is irrational since it takes as much effort to put the seat down as it takes to put the cover up. This proves that this control issue spans way beyond the bathroom doors. QED (quod erat demonstrandum) (or what was to be shown).
So, women are the true holders of power, and it is just a matter of time before they are paid cents on the dollar, but in the other direction. They will be paid one dollar and fifteen cents for every dollar a man gets from doing a similar job.
Now, I have lost both debates in my own house. I was imprinted early on, but I hope to inspire millions of stand-up peers to consider it. Men have literally lost all the bathroom fights and rights.
We pee standing up and are guardians of the toilet seat position. It feels a bit unfair, and if we fight for equality, shouldn’t we include the toilet seat debate in our list of demands?
i was married young, young enough to be malleable, soft clay in the hands of a skilled potter. when tasked with laundry for the first time, i avoided the temptation to shirk the chore (like some might, hoping to be exempt in the future). instead, i sought guidance on proper sorting - separating lights from darks, delicates from dryer-safe items. that day, i definitely scored some points!
however, there was one domestic aspect i wasn't prepared for: the toilet seat debate. growing up in Italy, toilet seats weren't commonplace. they were a luxury we simply didn't have. and when i moved out of the home, i had always lived with men, and never worried about it. so, the first night in our new home together, i unknowingly left the seat up. disaster struck in the form of a midnight scream, thinking we were being attacked by an intruder, when in fact, a bare ass had made contact with a naked bowl. the cold of the porcelain greeted her with the rage of a Antarctic winter.
a heated discussion ensued - toilet seat etiquette 101, who's responsible for the up/down position, etc. determined to avoid future nighttime disruptions, i made a personal decision: i would always sit when using the toilet at home. this way, the issue would never arise again. of course, when in a public restroom, i take full advantage of the sacred urinal.
we eventually divorced, but i can say with utmost confidence, that it wasn't because of the toilet seat! : )